This Christmas is especially meaningful for me because I have waited and worked hard to be somehow worthy of receiving who is to come. It has been a year of bringing to light all darkness—of finding people from my past walking by so I can forgive them in an instant (though some didn't ask nor seemed to deserve it) or muster the courage to face their darkness (as with he-who-must-not-be
-named yesterday); of discovering the roots of all my struggles with sin and pain so I can bring them to Jesus to heal; and of sharing in His experience by embracing suffering and following His humility and charity. For all these things, I discovered how God works and how His grace allows and protects.
I've come undone by choosing "the road less travelled"—away from all the lies of worldly happiness—so I may travel light. No more sad goodbyes as I've said them; no more words left unspoken as I have mostly apologized and forgiven. Never again looking back, I step ahead towards the light with a heart full of trust. This Christmas, I choose to journey Christ who is my way, my truth, and my life. From barren deserts, I trust that He will lead me to God's promised land where I will thrive in an abundance of love, peace, and joy. All good things come to those who love Him.
Thank you, Mama Mary and St. Joseph for leading me to your son.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Special Entry: Thank Them
20 December 2016
Resist what is repressed, perverted, sick, and evil.
Thank those who put us in the dark for it is by them that we search for the light and learn to forgive. And if they return humility and charity with insult and contempt, just think of the one who was betrayed, mocked, and crucified before us (by sinners, of all!). God is close to the brokenhearted; trust that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.
Resist what is repressed, perverted, sick, and evil.
Thank those who put us in the dark for it is by them that we search for the light and learn to forgive. And if they return humility and charity with insult and contempt, just think of the one who was betrayed, mocked, and crucified before us (by sinners, of all!). God is close to the brokenhearted; trust that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.
Special Entry: Revealing Santa
THE BIG REVELATION – And so this is how I revealed the true identity of Krissy's Santa: First, I picked a good setting, then I let her read 6 year-old Gabriel's letter to Santa. On her own, Krissy offered to "give not just Gabriel's needs but his wants as well." (Thanks Jharren for the link that gave me an idea.) Then I gradually brought the topic to Santa, watching her reactions as I proceeded with the revelation. I sensed a bit of her disappointment though she clarified that she believes in St. Nicholas. To me, it was an opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and wanted to make her Christmases special and memorable. I then finally let her read the mysterious blog post that almost made Santa known to her prematurely—twice.
We ended our talk on a lighter note when Krissy asked, "Are you also the Tooth Fairy?"
***
Love Project - This Christmas, we were encouraged to make our own love project. I suggested playing Santa to kids like Gabriel and bringing noche buena to the tables of very poor families in Metro Manila—both projects of the priests who say mass at Guadalupe. Happy to say that with friends, we will be able to help 17 families.
We ended our talk on a lighter note when Krissy asked, "Are you also the Tooth Fairy?"
***
Love Project - This Christmas, we were encouraged to make our own love project. I suggested playing Santa to kids like Gabriel and bringing noche buena to the tables of very poor families in Metro Manila—both projects of the priests who say mass at Guadalupe. Happy to say that with friends, we will be able to help 17 families.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Day 22 - Temptations
18 December 2016
It didn't take long for me to be tempted again. Why did I even look? Perhaps this is why we are told not to look back when we make our commitment to change. A new life. Lot's wife became a pillar of salt when she left Sodom. And so do I. I am once again awash with anger—once again feeling the brunt of my injuries. I do not deserve this. He is clearly not the one.
Perhaps such is the nature of evil. It will always seek to tempt and lure people out of their relationship with Christ. After every mental encounter with Vic, I feel disgusted, defiled, and violated. I renounce him completely.
With all this, I am reminded to pray so that I won't be tested, as well as not to engage sub-clinical psychopaths as nothing good will ever come out of it. If I feel remorseful now, it is not that I regret anything concerning Vic; it is that I have let Jesus down.
It didn't take long for me to be tempted again. Why did I even look? Perhaps this is why we are told not to look back when we make our commitment to change. A new life. Lot's wife became a pillar of salt when she left Sodom. And so do I. I am once again awash with anger—once again feeling the brunt of my injuries. I do not deserve this. He is clearly not the one.
Perhaps such is the nature of evil. It will always seek to tempt and lure people out of their relationship with Christ. After every mental encounter with Vic, I feel disgusted, defiled, and violated. I renounce him completely.
With all this, I am reminded to pray so that I won't be tested, as well as not to engage sub-clinical psychopaths as nothing good will ever come out of it. If I feel remorseful now, it is not that I regret anything concerning Vic; it is that I have let Jesus down.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Day 21 - Taking His Hand
17 December 2016
Today ends my 9-day novena to Mary the Undoer of Knots. I celebrated the day with mass at the nearby Church and spent some moments with Jesus at the Adoration Chapel.
As we reach the fourth week of Advent, almost capping another season of waiting, I was struck by what the kind old priest said in the homily; it hasn't been easy making a discernment and more so, a commitment to turn my back on the wrongs in my life. Nonetheless, I have been able to make some courageous choices this year that I do not regret: coming back to the work where my time, talent, and treasures seek to serve God and grow in my faith, rather than being lured by a high-paying alternative; leaving some uncharitable friendships despite the prestige and all the free passes they offered; and finally saying goodbye to a relationship that has not only denied me of who I am and the kind of love, respect and recognition that I deserved. The worst part was it drew me away from God through sin, materialism, and belief in other gods through New Age, among many other alternative religions that he had been leading me to. By God's light, Vic's hidden life of darkness, repression, deception, and perversion had been revealed. While it shattered me to come into terms with the truth about his character, I realized that it is only through God that his strong psychopathic and diabolical tendencies will be healed, if he would ever choose to live in the light instead of deceit. It is beyond my power.
A beautiful picture came upon me as I prayed the first of the Joyful Mysteries in front of the Eucharist: I was on a path in a desert that reached a bright place where God awaits. At that specific point on the path, Jesus stood. He held out His hand for me. And I took it, at peace with the fruit of my discernment which is to let Jesus be my faithful companion in this journey towards God and His promised land. After all, He has never left me, never let me down, and just loved me faithfully and unconditionally.
As I begin to let Jesus be my way, my truth, and my life in this next chapter of my life, I would like to thank Mary, Our Mother. It would not have been possible to find Jesus and be wooed by this most ardent and faithful lover if it weren't for her.
And I thank God for sending me my own earthly mother, Belen, who planted the seed of love of Mama Mary in me by teaching us to pray the rosary at a young age and for my dad, Rolando, who modeled the very characteristics of St. Joseph, the father of Jesus.
It has been a spiritually meaningful Advent this year.
I am now ready for Christmas.
Today ends my 9-day novena to Mary the Undoer of Knots. I celebrated the day with mass at the nearby Church and spent some moments with Jesus at the Adoration Chapel.
As we reach the fourth week of Advent, almost capping another season of waiting, I was struck by what the kind old priest said in the homily; it hasn't been easy making a discernment and more so, a commitment to turn my back on the wrongs in my life. Nonetheless, I have been able to make some courageous choices this year that I do not regret: coming back to the work where my time, talent, and treasures seek to serve God and grow in my faith, rather than being lured by a high-paying alternative; leaving some uncharitable friendships despite the prestige and all the free passes they offered; and finally saying goodbye to a relationship that has not only denied me of who I am and the kind of love, respect and recognition that I deserved. The worst part was it drew me away from God through sin, materialism, and belief in other gods through New Age, among many other alternative religions that he had been leading me to. By God's light, Vic's hidden life of darkness, repression, deception, and perversion had been revealed. While it shattered me to come into terms with the truth about his character, I realized that it is only through God that his strong psychopathic and diabolical tendencies will be healed, if he would ever choose to live in the light instead of deceit. It is beyond my power.
A beautiful picture came upon me as I prayed the first of the Joyful Mysteries in front of the Eucharist: I was on a path in a desert that reached a bright place where God awaits. At that specific point on the path, Jesus stood. He held out His hand for me. And I took it, at peace with the fruit of my discernment which is to let Jesus be my faithful companion in this journey towards God and His promised land. After all, He has never left me, never let me down, and just loved me faithfully and unconditionally.
As I begin to let Jesus be my way, my truth, and my life in this next chapter of my life, I would like to thank Mary, Our Mother. It would not have been possible to find Jesus and be wooed by this most ardent and faithful lover if it weren't for her.
And I thank God for sending me my own earthly mother, Belen, who planted the seed of love of Mama Mary in me by teaching us to pray the rosary at a young age and for my dad, Rolando, who modeled the very characteristics of St. Joseph, the father of Jesus.
It has been a spiritually meaningful Advent this year.
I am now ready for Christmas.
Day 20 - My Discernment
16 December 2016
I began the day with confession at the Greenbelt chapel, had simple breakfast, and took a leisurely walk, albeit getting lost in the underpass, towards the office. I am grateful for priests who really take the time to give counsel and serve as instruments of God's mercy that opens our path to grace.
As sins of anger and jealousy prevented me from praying from the heart, I decided to take a break from my novena to Mary Undoer of Knots. Instead, I stayed up past midnight to go about Prayer Exercise 69, the prayer for Actual Choosing, in Wood for the Fire by Fr. Mon Bautista.
The first scriptural reading struck me like a hot rod: "Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient. So do not be associated by them." In the past few days, I was being tempted and lured into internal and psycho-virtual arguments by two people who represent the subjects of my discernment.
"For... now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth."
"Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them."
"Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord... try to understand the will of the Lord."
"This is how you can know the Spirit of God: every spirit that acknowledges Jesus Christ come in the flesh belongs to God, and anyone who knows God listens to us, while anyone who does not belong to God refuses to hear us. This is how we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of deceit."
***
"No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out."
I began the day with confession at the Greenbelt chapel, had simple breakfast, and took a leisurely walk, albeit getting lost in the underpass, towards the office. I am grateful for priests who really take the time to give counsel and serve as instruments of God's mercy that opens our path to grace.
As sins of anger and jealousy prevented me from praying from the heart, I decided to take a break from my novena to Mary Undoer of Knots. Instead, I stayed up past midnight to go about Prayer Exercise 69, the prayer for Actual Choosing, in Wood for the Fire by Fr. Mon Bautista.
The first scriptural reading struck me like a hot rod: "Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient. So do not be associated by them." In the past few days, I was being tempted and lured into internal and psycho-virtual arguments by two people who represent the subjects of my discernment.
"For... now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth."
"Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them."
"Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord... try to understand the will of the Lord."
"This is how you can know the Spirit of God: every spirit that acknowledges Jesus Christ come in the flesh belongs to God, and anyone who knows God listens to us, while anyone who does not belong to God refuses to hear us. This is how we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of deceit."
***
"No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out."
Day 19 - Cozy Christmas Party
15 December 2016
Simple, laidback and fun. I enjoyed our Christmas at work and I am grateful for all the gifts, the food, and the company that always welcomes my daughter. There is a lot of meaning in these simple occasions that bring together people who celebrate Christ's coming by praying and striving to do what pleases Him.
Although this day and the last had been a challenge to my patience and charity, God's spirit of mercy and forgiveness allowed me to enjoy and share the good. I prayed for a nice prize in the raffle so that I may pay it forward to the security & maintenance personnel at the condo who will be celebrating their Christmas party on the 17th. God gave me what is sufficient—a sturdy stand fan, and not the fancy home entertainment system.
Simple, laidback and fun. I enjoyed our Christmas at work and I am grateful for all the gifts, the food, and the company that always welcomes my daughter. There is a lot of meaning in these simple occasions that bring together people who celebrate Christ's coming by praying and striving to do what pleases Him.
Although this day and the last had been a challenge to my patience and charity, God's spirit of mercy and forgiveness allowed me to enjoy and share the good. I prayed for a nice prize in the raffle so that I may pay it forward to the security & maintenance personnel at the condo who will be celebrating their Christmas party on the 17th. God gave me what is sufficient—a sturdy stand fan, and not the fancy home entertainment system.
Day 18 - Walking Away
14 December 2016
I have finally mustered the courage to walk away from what has been unhealthy for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In parting, I said that one cannot fight for truth and justice without love and charity in our hearts.
***
Grateful to have been given the opportunity to sit in the stakeholder consultations of the planning committee that will craft the next development plan of our country. By grace, I was able to transcend ideological barriers that made me realize how big our development work is and that we must not be derailed by our differences. My mission in life, after all, is to be a woman for others, and my personal brand of activism involves diplomacy, immersion, sincerity, and active giving.
I have finally mustered the courage to walk away from what has been unhealthy for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In parting, I said that one cannot fight for truth and justice without love and charity in our hearts.
***
Grateful to have been given the opportunity to sit in the stakeholder consultations of the planning committee that will craft the next development plan of our country. By grace, I was able to transcend ideological barriers that made me realize how big our development work is and that we must not be derailed by our differences. My mission in life, after all, is to be a woman for others, and my personal brand of activism involves diplomacy, immersion, sincerity, and active giving.
Day 17 - Last Lunch
13 December 2016
I met with some friends for what felt to me was a last lunch.
I was eager to give gifts, more than to receive them. Through their generosity, we were also able to raise funds that will allow 15 very poor families in Metro Manila to have noche buena this Christmas. I was so happy to bring their donation to church, along with my fellowship action group's donation for two families.
***
It has been quite some time since I have last (felt that I have) received a message from the Our Lady of Guadalupe. In fact, there was a time this year when I just could not connect with her even though I was badly in need of help... I was filled with so much anger and sin in those times. Today is rare—I felt that she is happy and pleased.
I met with some friends for what felt to me was a last lunch.
I was eager to give gifts, more than to receive them. Through their generosity, we were also able to raise funds that will allow 15 very poor families in Metro Manila to have noche buena this Christmas. I was so happy to bring their donation to church, along with my fellowship action group's donation for two families.
***
It has been quite some time since I have last (felt that I have) received a message from the Our Lady of Guadalupe. In fact, there was a time this year when I just could not connect with her even though I was badly in need of help... I was filled with so much anger and sin in those times. Today is rare—I felt that she is happy and pleased.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Day 16 - Feast of the Our Lady of Guadalupe
12 December 2016
"Am I not here, I, who am your Mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the source of your joy? Are you not in the hollow of my mantle, in the crossing of my arms? Do you need anything more? Let nothing else worry you, disturb you."
- Words spoken by Mama Mary to St. Juan Diego at Guadalupe
Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I am grateful to have made it five or so minutes before the morning mass. It is through her that I have learned to appreciate Mary as my mother; it is through her that I have found peace and comfort during some very difficult times in my life in the last two years; it is her who repaired my relationship with my mother and daughter; she showed me the way to Joseph and most importantly, to Jesus Christ and my Abba by helping me untie the knots in my life with her gentle hands, patience, and understanding.
***
In the evening, I felt at peace as acceptance came upon me: he is not the one.
***
Sadness enveloped me as I watched some documentaries on the war on drugs. I resolved to celebrate Christmas quietly and simply in solidarity with the poor and the sinners with whom Christ has come to live amongst.
***
Thus, I now understand why Christ warned us that following Him meant a lot of struggles especially against our flesh and the material world. Life has never been the same when as when I look at my modest earnings and possessions, and can't bear to have more than what I need out of solidarity for those who have less; I can't enjoy a decent meal without sharing a little tip for the waiters who get minimum wages and no significant bonuses... And I can no longer keep relationships that do not keep me holy nor closer to God.
"Am I not here, I, who am your Mother? Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the source of your joy? Are you not in the hollow of my mantle, in the crossing of my arms? Do you need anything more? Let nothing else worry you, disturb you."
- Words spoken by Mama Mary to St. Juan Diego at Guadalupe
Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I am grateful to have made it five or so minutes before the morning mass. It is through her that I have learned to appreciate Mary as my mother; it is through her that I have found peace and comfort during some very difficult times in my life in the last two years; it is her who repaired my relationship with my mother and daughter; she showed me the way to Joseph and most importantly, to Jesus Christ and my Abba by helping me untie the knots in my life with her gentle hands, patience, and understanding.
***
In the evening, I felt at peace as acceptance came upon me: he is not the one.
***
Sadness enveloped me as I watched some documentaries on the war on drugs. I resolved to celebrate Christmas quietly and simply in solidarity with the poor and the sinners with whom Christ has come to live amongst.
***
Thus, I now understand why Christ warned us that following Him meant a lot of struggles especially against our flesh and the material world. Life has never been the same when as when I look at my modest earnings and possessions, and can't bear to have more than what I need out of solidarity for those who have less; I can't enjoy a decent meal without sharing a little tip for the waiters who get minimum wages and no significant bonuses... And I can no longer keep relationships that do not keep me holy nor closer to God.
Day 15 - Extinguishing Fire With Kindness
11 December 2016
My daughter was quite irritable as we headed for mass in the late afternoon. She was quite hungry and asked to pass by the convenience store before going to mass. Though we were getting late, I chose to the call of the spirit to calm down and treat my daughter with love and kindness. She responded with love and appreciation.
We spent some time in the Adoration Chapel, bought oil to be blessed and banana cues for the kids that also helped an old man earn some modest income for the day.
We had a good time bonding in the mall but sadly, I lost my patience and charity over a waiter and an Uber driver. :-(
Day 14 - Fail
10 December 2016
It is already clear what tempts me and causes my desolation. I should avoid these people and things out of love of Christ.
It is already clear what tempts me and causes my desolation. I should avoid these people and things out of love of Christ.
Day 13 - Feast of St. Juan Diego
9 December 2016
It is through a simple, "no read, no write" peasant, Juan Diego that the Our Lady of Guadalupe revealed herself. Here again, I am reminded that God favors the simple and the humble—which is a struggle to be.
***
Through our 12:30 Fellowship Action Group, we are doing a simple Love Project that will grant a poor 6 year-old boy in a remote coastal town in CamSur his Santa wishlist of a bag, an umbrella, and a pair of shoes (which we will replace with school supplies and toys), and bring noche buena to two impoverished families in the Archdiocese of Manila.
I encouraged my well-to-do friends to adopt a family too.
It is through a simple, "no read, no write" peasant, Juan Diego that the Our Lady of Guadalupe revealed herself. Here again, I am reminded that God favors the simple and the humble—which is a struggle to be.
***
Through our 12:30 Fellowship Action Group, we are doing a simple Love Project that will grant a poor 6 year-old boy in a remote coastal town in CamSur his Santa wishlist of a bag, an umbrella, and a pair of shoes (which we will replace with school supplies and toys), and bring noche buena to two impoverished families in the Archdiocese of Manila.
I encouraged my well-to-do friends to adopt a family too.
Day 12 - The Solemnity of the Immaculate Concepcion
8 December 2016
Thank God for the gift of Mary, the woman I now strive to be. May I be as humble, simple, pure, modest and worthy of God as her.
I started again my third Novena to Mary Undoer of Knots, this time praying for what will not only liberate me, but also many others I deeply care about. May God grant me the means to help those in need.
Thank God for the gift of Mary, the woman I now strive to be. May I be as humble, simple, pure, modest and worthy of God as her.
I started again my third Novena to Mary Undoer of Knots, this time praying for what will not only liberate me, but also many others I deeply care about. May God grant me the means to help those in need.
Day 11 - Still, Some Anger
7 December 2016
There is still some anger that must be healed from its roots.
There is still some anger that must be healed from its roots.
Day 10 - Forgiven Again
6 December 2016
When one strives to be holy and pleasing to God, she finds herself frequently in the confession box asking for God's forgiveness. It just as we sin because of our weaknesses that we also become more aware of all the other dark parts of our selves—like gluttony, greed, and sloth expressed through binge eating/voracious cravings, excessive shopping/materialism, and dilly dallying, respectively.
And just as we sin many times, we find ourselves forgiven more.
God why are you so merciful?
When one strives to be holy and pleasing to God, she finds herself frequently in the confession box asking for God's forgiveness. It just as we sin because of our weaknesses that we also become more aware of all the other dark parts of our selves—like gluttony, greed, and sloth expressed through binge eating/voracious cravings, excessive shopping/materialism, and dilly dallying, respectively.
And just as we sin many times, we find ourselves forgiven more.
God why are you so merciful?
***
Filled with grace, I looked at the distant buildings ligned by fiery orange lights and felt peace and forgoveness. One day I'll get to tell him that I am grateful that he never chose me.
Day 9 - Love Projects
5 December 2016
At Fellowship, we did the following:
Identify a person that we find difficult to love, and what we could do to love them;
Make a list of people we'll write Tashi Deleys to; and
Think of a love project with our Action Groups.
At Fellowship, we did the following:
Identify a person that we find difficult to love, and what we could do to love them;
Make a list of people we'll write Tashi Deleys to; and
Think of a love project with our Action Groups.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Day 8 - The Root of My Sins
4 December 2016
Today, I discovered what the real root of all my sins are: sloth. Sloth takes my sight away from God. It makes my idle mind think of ungodly thoughts and be remiss of my responsibilities. It is the cause of all my day-to-day unease and my bigger sufferings, and it is the first stumbling block to grace and my dreams.
***
At Church, the priest shared the following parameters of forgiveness: acknowledgement, repentance, and amendment.
***
I must really stay away from social media – Twitter and Facebook in particular – as both of these media have become sources of intense negativity that ruin my peace by inciting anger and tempting me to be uncharitable.
But just when I made an nth promise to switch off, news of the VP's resignation because of the president's yet another bullying made the Internet abuzz.
Dear God, please help me cast out all the darkness around me. May the Holy Spirit light up my heart so I may always please you. Amen.
Today, I discovered what the real root of all my sins are: sloth. Sloth takes my sight away from God. It makes my idle mind think of ungodly thoughts and be remiss of my responsibilities. It is the cause of all my day-to-day unease and my bigger sufferings, and it is the first stumbling block to grace and my dreams.
***
At Church, the priest shared the following parameters of forgiveness: acknowledgement, repentance, and amendment.
***
I must really stay away from social media – Twitter and Facebook in particular – as both of these media have become sources of intense negativity that ruin my peace by inciting anger and tempting me to be uncharitable.
But just when I made an nth promise to switch off, news of the VP's resignation because of the president's yet another bullying made the Internet abuzz.
Dear God, please help me cast out all the darkness around me. May the Holy Spirit light up my heart so I may always please you. Amen.
Day 7 - Forgiveness is Not Reconciliation
3 December 2016
Krissy and I attended an Advent recollection conducted by Fr. Ely Cruz, a Salesian.
I am still ruminating about his reflections on the Joyful Mysteries. Just a day ago, I gained new insights about the Sorrowful Mysteries and thought that maybe I could not have the same meditations about the other mysteries because I have not yet experienced them.
What struck me though was Fr. Ely's validation of the very same discernment that I had in November: Forgiveness is not reconciliation. This validation aids me in my discernment, helping me be at peace with the break up.
Krissy and I attended an Advent recollection conducted by Fr. Ely Cruz, a Salesian.
I am still ruminating about his reflections on the Joyful Mysteries. Just a day ago, I gained new insights about the Sorrowful Mysteries and thought that maybe I could not have the same meditations about the other mysteries because I have not yet experienced them.
What struck me though was Fr. Ely's validation of the very same discernment that I had in November: Forgiveness is not reconciliation. This validation aids me in my discernment, helping me be at peace with the break up.
Day 6 - My Sister
2 December 2016
I am grateful for an evening spent with my youngest sister and Krissy. We were able to catch up and talk about our respective healing journeys. It is good to hear that she is finding her way back to God.
I am grateful for an evening spent with my youngest sister and Krissy. We were able to catch up and talk about our respective healing journeys. It is good to hear that she is finding her way back to God.
Day 5 - My Everyday Struggles
Aiming to live a holy life to be always close to God is not easy but the consolations are boundless. When I am tired because I have pushed myself too hard, I become irritable and remiss with my other responsibilities. When I leave my mind to idleness, my thoughts begin to wander... and the result often agitates rather than consoles me.
Striving to be close to God can be frustrating too as I just seem to keep on failing. Humans are weak, I know. We struggle with our flesh, our tendency to sin, and the temptation of the devil. This is why I call on God and depend on Him to help me. There is no other way.
Striving to be close to God can be frustrating too as I just seem to keep on failing. Humans are weak, I know. We struggle with our flesh, our tendency to sin, and the temptation of the devil. This is why I call on God and depend on Him to help me. There is no other way.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Day 4 - The One Who Catches Me All the Time and How Not to Fall
30 November 2016
It's Bonifacio Day, a holiday.
I started the day in active prayer as I folded some of our clothes, cooked caldereta, and washed the pans and dishes. Another reflection came upon me: All this time I have been hurting about all the times when I have been left to face consequences of our joint doing alone. But who has always been there to catch me when I fall? Jesus.
Jesus won't ever leave me, and St. Joseph has never left Mary and Jesus.
***
After completing all the morning's chores, I joined the Siklab Bayani rally. I realized that joining rallies isn't just about taking a political stand; it is to make a moral conviction.
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." - Alexander Hamilton
It's Bonifacio Day, a holiday.
I started the day in active prayer as I folded some of our clothes, cooked caldereta, and washed the pans and dishes. Another reflection came upon me: All this time I have been hurting about all the times when I have been left to face consequences of our joint doing alone. But who has always been there to catch me when I fall? Jesus.
Jesus won't ever leave me, and St. Joseph has never left Mary and Jesus.
***
After completing all the morning's chores, I joined the Siklab Bayani rally. I realized that joining rallies isn't just about taking a political stand; it is to make a moral conviction.
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." - Alexander Hamilton
Day 3 - The Darkness Around Me
29 November 2016
I woke up in the middle of the night with the most horrible nightmare one could ever have: a diabolic possession. I was slurring words in the dream and heard piercing screams plus my daughter's lonely cries at the time when I was going through depression and a woman's ecstatic screams. My body felt numb after waking up from lying on my back with my arms pinned above my head then I felt a warm touch moving over the right side of my body.
Despite all of this, I remained calm and at peace declaring the name of Jesus Christ as I sent out the force whatever it was.
It is strange that I am reminded of one person by the experience.
***
I texted my spiritual counselor about the experience and she gave me prayers that I can recite. I also took the opportunity to consult with her what I suspect as hexes sent to me by at least three women—an aggrieved ex of a former boyfriend; his cousin who heavily practices occultism through reiki and energy healing, and intervened at the time when he and i were in need of healing; and a "business partner" who is also deeply into the occult using crystals and figures of false gods to attract wealth and people.
My counselor sent this advice:
The proper question to ask though is why is the curse / spell working? In this cases the problem is usually a lack of forgiveness toward the person who hurled the curse. Once the forgiveness is given, the curse is broken and liberation occurs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with the most horrible nightmare one could ever have: a diabolic possession. I was slurring words in the dream and heard piercing screams plus my daughter's lonely cries at the time when I was going through depression and a woman's ecstatic screams. My body felt numb after waking up from lying on my back with my arms pinned above my head then I felt a warm touch moving over the right side of my body.
Despite all of this, I remained calm and at peace declaring the name of Jesus Christ as I sent out the force whatever it was.
It is strange that I am reminded of one person by the experience.
***
I texted my spiritual counselor about the experience and she gave me prayers that I can recite. I also took the opportunity to consult with her what I suspect as hexes sent to me by at least three women—an aggrieved ex of a former boyfriend; his cousin who heavily practices occultism through reiki and energy healing, and intervened at the time when he and i were in need of healing; and a "business partner" who is also deeply into the occult using crystals and figures of false gods to attract wealth and people.
My counselor sent this advice:
The proper question to ask though is why is the curse / spell working? In this cases the problem is usually a lack of forgiveness toward the person who hurled the curse. Once the forgiveness is given, the curse is broken and liberation occurs.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Day 2 - Darkness in Me, in Others, and the World
28 November 2016
We lighted the first candle of our Advent wreath at the 12:30 Fellowship, and went through a prayer exercise that allowed us to come into terms with the different kinds of darkness in our lives.
In the world, I am everyday challenged by the political lies and deceptions that veil selfish and divisive designs. Among others, I contend with a personal desire to bring to light ungodly ways, false leaders, selfish ambitions, and materialistic inclinations. But surprisingly, I had more darkness to dispel within myself than with others and the rest of the world. I struggle with detachment and forgiveness; aspire for the humility to submit myself fully to the will of Abba and the love of Christ.
As we confronted our darknesses, we lit up our own candles of hope and prayer. May the coming of Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, dispel all the persons, places, and situations that oppress us. May Christ liberate me from the chains of attachment, anger, hurt, and unforgiveness.
With Christ, I am promised of a good life.
Day 1 - Bathroom Reflections
 |
| Photo Source: Clean and Go Team |
27 November 2016
I spent the first day of Advent doing the chore that I like the least: cleaning the bathroom. I always wince at the sight of all the grime and mildew that has accumulated over time, and the hefty task of removing them. Nonetheless, when the gloves have been dropped and my hands, bare and wet, I could get pretty intense.
So in the middle of brushing and scrubbing surfaces, and every nook and cranny of our little bathroom, several reflections came upon me. This allowed me to conclude that my occasional bathroom and toilet dreams had to do with the states of my soul in certain times and its own summons for cleansing.
First Reflection: Christian Minimalism
In my desire to put my life in order, I have mistakenly sought "wisdom" from ideologies that little by little, led me into occult (new age like feng shui, reiki, crystal, and energy healing) practice. Gratefully, by God's grace, I found the light and renounced all of them recently, turning to God and completely surrendering my life to His will. As a Catholic in renewal, life has become simple once again.
Keeping life simple and modest is a Christian ideal that has its own practical benefits in this workaday world. Owning less cures greed, a mortal sin that can eventually corrupt the soul, and opens an opportunity to practice the virtue of generosity. At the same time, keeping only a few possessions makes cleaning easy, pests at bay, and spaces breathable.
Finding joy in simple things is finding God.
Second Reflection: Ideals of St. Joseph the Worker
I went through several struggles in praying my novena to St. Joseph in my desire to find a good husband. The first time I prayed for St. Joseph's intercession several years ago, I lacked the conviction to finish, spiritually aware that I was not ready yet for a godly relationship. The second time I prayed, again, I did not finish because I was unable to detach myself from certain attractions and emotions that were preventing me from receiving God's grace. That time was one of the most difficult struggles in my prayer life. A few weeks later, after some attempt at spiritual cleansing, I finally completed the novena to St. Joseph. The fruit of the nine days of faithful prayer is a realization of my unworthiness. I had to look up to Mama Mary and strive to be like her through her virtues so that I could be deserving of a man like Joseph and a holy family that would be pleasing to God's eyes.
My devotion to St. Joseph did not end with the novena. He has been a faithful friend who constantly reminds me of the kind of treatment that I should allow in my daughter and I's lives, and more importantly, desire for in a man. Yes, I pray for a man like St. Joseph---simple, hardworking, steady, dependable, and with quiet strength and moral conviction. He stood by Mama Mary and took her and Jesus under his care despite all the risks and odds.
Third Reflection: Loving Christ
The consolation that came along with my reflections became so overwhelming at some point that I was crying as I brushed the rust off the stainless caddy. Since I came back to God, and in Him alone, I have been struggling hard against my own weaknesses---sometimes, out of fear of being away from His grace but lately, mainly out of love and gratitude. Tears started to fall when I acknowledged that loving Jesus Christ is the hardest but I was consoled by his faithfulness. The truth is Jesus won't ever let me down. He has never left me despite all my mistakes and disloyalties. When I am lost and afraid, He leads me. When I am at my weakest, He carries me. When I am at my worst, He loves me. Just loves me. To Him, I am the most beautiful person in the world. He has never denied me and he will never ever abandon me.
As I have written a few weeks ago:
- Jesus Christ is the most ardent lover one can ever have in her life. Knowing His peace and unconditional, persevering love gives wisdom to discernment. No woman who has been touched by Jesus would let herself to be treated less, more so diabolically.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)